LAST TIME ON 3RD ROCK FROM THE SUN..
AFTER TRAPPING ME IN AN INVISIBLE BOX,
MY EVIL REPLACEMENT CONTINUED HIS DIABOLICAL PLOT TO RULE THE WORLD.
NOT KNOWING HIS TRUE IDENTITY,
MY BELOVED MARY MADE A DATE WITH THIS SCOUNDREL.
BUT JUST AS I THOUGHT MY PLIGHT WAS LOST FOREVER,
MY ENTRAPMENT WAS CLEVERLY DISCOVERED BY MY STELLAR CREW.
AAH!
OH, YOU GUYS.
THERE'S AN INVISIBLE BOX.
OW!
WOW, THAT SMARTS!
YOU'RE GONNA LOOK HIDEOUS TOMORROW.
YOU THINK?
THERE'S THIS GIRL I KNEW. SHE HAD HER NOSE--
MR. RANDALL'S COMING OVER.
HELLO! I'M TRAPPED IN A BOX HERE.
OK.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO OPEN ONE OF THESE THINGS?
WE KNOW WE CAN'T SMASH IT OPEN WITH OUR HEADS.
TOMMY, GO GET A HAMMER.
NOBODY'S GETTING A HAMMER.
GET A HAMMER. THAT'S AN ORDER.
I'M SORRY, SIR, BUT YOU CAN'T GIVE US ORDERS.
[BLUSTERING]
OF ALL THE INSOLENT--
DICK, YOU ARE NO LONGER THE HIGH COMMANDER.
OHH!
I'M SORRY.
IF WE LET YOU OUT OF THAT BOX,
WELL, THAT'S-- THAT'S MUTINY.
MUTINY SCHMUTINY.
BIG FAT DUTINY.
NO, I'M SICK OF THE NEW DICK.
THIS DICK, HE'S ONE OF US.
YOU KNOW, SO MAYBE HE'S NOT PERFECT.
MAYBE HIS LEADERSHIP SKILLS VERGE ON THE PATHETIC.
MAYBE HIS INCOMPETENCE
HAS MADE OUR MISSION THE LAUGHINGSTOCK--
I THINK YOU'VE MADE YOUR POINT.
I HAVEN'T MADE MY POINT.
THE POINT IS
THAT HE'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR THE THREE OF US,
AND IT'S TIME THE THREE OF US TAKE A STAND FOR HIM.
SURE, THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.
YOU DON'T HAVE THE RESPONSIBILITY I DO.
IF WE LET HIM OUT OF THAT BOX
AND THE BIG GIANT HEAD GETS WIND OF IT,
WHO DO YOU THINK'S GONNA TAKE THE FALL,
THE INFORMATION OFFICER?
THE TRANSMITTER?
I DON'T THINK SO. IT'S GONNA BE ME, THE WOMAN.
TYPICAL!
Dick: SALLY!
SALLY, THINK OF ALL WE'VE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER.
WHEN BRAD DUMPED YOU,
WHO ORDERED YOU TO DRINK YOURSELF SILLY...
UNTIL YOU COMPLETELY DROWNED YOUR FEELINGS FOR HIM?
YOU DID.
AND WHEN I RAN OVER YOUR FOOT WITH THE CAR...
WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL THE VERY NEXT DAY?
YOU DID.
WHEN YOU WERE HUNGRY THAT DAY IN THE PARK,
WHO STOLE THAT LITTLE GIRL'S ICE CREAM CONE?
TOMMY DID THAT.
IT WAS MY IDEA.
TRUE. IT WAS.
SIR, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I CAN'T LET YOU ROT IN THIS BOX.
I'VE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE.
COME ON, GUYS. BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.
IT IS?
I THINK.
IT'S NOT AS THICK AS PEANUT BUTTER.
[ALL ARGUING AT ONCE]
GET ME OUT OF HERE!
THE LIGHTING IS ROMANTIC.
THE CHAMPAGNE CHILLED...
AND NOW...
FOR SOME...
EROTIC LITERATURE.
"MAKE SURE THE 2x4 STUDS ARE CLEATED TO THE FLOOR PLATES
BEFORE APPLYING THE WALLBOARD."
PERFECT.
Mary: YOO-HOO!
COME ON UP.
OH, I LIKE WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH THE PLACE.
JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE...
THE BEDROOM.
TONIGHT IS ABOUT PLEASURE.
A JOURNEY INTO THE...
TABOO.
I WILL LET NOTHING DESTROY THE MOOD.
[BANJO-PICKING BLUEGRASS MUSIC PLAYS]
NOTHING.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[LIP-SYNCHING TO RECORD]
* EASY LIVING
* EASY TO LIVE
* WHEN YOU'RE IN LOVE
* I'M SO IN LOVE
OH, I'VE SEEN THESE.
OH, MY GOD! WHOA!
OOH! OHH!
AH, CLAP OFF, HUH?
I'M FREE.
I'M FREE!
OHH!
THERE'S SO MUCH I'VE MISSED.
FRESH AIR,
THE SMELL OF BACON FRYING,
WATCHING TALK SHOWS WITH HARRY.
I DIDN'T MISS JERRY SPRINGER'S
"BIKER CHICK MAKEOVER," DID I?
IT WAS TUESDAY.
OH, DAMN!
SALLY, WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT SKIRT?
IT MAKES YOU LOOK SO FRUMPY.
OH! I KNEW IT.
THAT DICK UPSTAIRS SAID THIS LOOK WORKED FOR ME.
I HATE HIM!
HE CRASHED THE RAMBLER.
CHANGED MY NAME TO TOMMY.
WELL, WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE YOU?
HE CALLS ME TOMMY, TOO.
IS THAT TOMMY AND THE NUMBER 2?
OH, I DON'T KNOW!
THE GUY'S A MAJOR HEAD CASE.
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
NO ONE DICTATES HUMILIATING AND IRRATIONAL EDICTS
TO MY FAMILY.
THAT'S MY JOB! COME ON.
OHHH!
AND NOBODY BETTER HAVE TOUCHED MY STRAWBERRIES.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
MARY.
WHAT'S SHE DOING WITH HIM?
LOOKS LIKE HE'S PLUGGING HER PIE HOLE.
I THINK SHE LIKES IT, DICK.
DICK?
DICK.
COME ON, DICK.
OH, WHAT DOES SHE SEE IN HIM?
I MEAN, SURE, HE'S GORGEOUS,
BUT IT'S ALL PART OF HIS DEPRAVED SCHEME.
HOW DARE HE. HOW DARE SHE.
DID WHAT WE HAVE MEAN NOTHING TO HER?
WAIT. SHE THINKS HE'S ME...
BUT HE'S GOING TO GET HER...
BECAUSE HE'S DECEIVING HER, AND SHE'LL BE HIS FOREVER.
IN A WAY, MINE, BUT SHE LIKES ME.
I OUGHTA--BUT SHE--I--
DICK, HEY, SNAP OUT OF IT.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE ACTION HERE.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'VE GOT IT.
WE'RE MOVING TO FLORIDA.
WHAT? WHAT?
IT'S WARM ALL THE TIME, THE LAND IS CHEAP,
AND THE FISHING-- BASS AS BIG AS YOUR ARM.
WE'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
THIS AFTERNOON WHEN I WAS WITH ALBRIGHT
ARRANGING THIS DATE, SHE--
YOU ARRANGED THIS DATE?
YEAH, BUT THE POINT IS--
YOU SET THIS UP? WHAT, ARE YOU HIS PIMP?
NO, NO. IF YOU'D LET ME FINISH, I'LL EXPLAIN.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE--
DICK, GET A GRIP AND LISTEN TO HER FOR A SECOND.
THE POINT IS, DICK, IS THAT I TRIED TO TALK HER OUT OF THIS DATE,
BUT SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE-- DON'T ASK ME WHY--
SHE HAS SOME SORT OF EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT TO YOU.
SHE SAID THAT?
SHE CARES ABOUT YOU SO MUCH,
SHE IS UPSTAIRS ABOUT TO HAVE SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN.
SHE WOULD DO THAT FOR ME?
IF YOU DON'T STOP HER.
YOU'RE RIGHT. THAT TYRANT HAS GONE TOO FAR.
I MUST DEFEAT THAT MAN!
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
I SHOULD HAVE DONE THAT EARLIER.
OK, HERE'S THE PLAN. TOMMY, HARRY, YOU STAY HERE.
SALLY, YOU WATCH MY BACK WHILE I MAKE A RUN FOR THE BATHROOM.
OK, WELL, THEN WHAT?
I USE THE BATHROOM.
LOOK, I'VE BEEN STUCK IN A BOX FOR TWO DAYS.
HOLD ON. ENOUGH.
I THINK MY TONGUE HAS A CHARLEY HORSE.
WELL, SADDLE UP. WE'RE GOING FOR ANOTHER RIDE.
OOH!
WHAT IS GOING ON?
LAST TIME YOU WERE SO FAST.
WHY DON'T WE JUST GET TO IT?
IT?
WHAT?
YOU KNOW...
IT.
OH, IT.
YOU'LL GET IT, ALL RIGHT.
YOU'LL GET ALL OF IT THAT YOU WANT.
IT IS ON ITS WAY.
COME ON, DICK. HE'S TAKING FOREVER.
WHO'S TAKING FOREVER?
TOILET DUCK.
HE'S TACKLING OUR STUBBORN BUILDUP.
LIEUTENANT, YOU'RE THE WOMAN.
I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
IT, WHAT?
YOU KNOW, IT.
OH, IT.
UM, LET'S GET SOME PRIVACY.
OK, WELL, UM...
UH, IT'S, UH, IT'S KIND OF INVOLVED.
UM...
YEAH.
EWW.
REALLY?
NO?
AND WOMEN LIKE THAT?
THEY LOVE IT.
AND TO THINK ALL THIS TIME I WAS JUST WALKING AROUND ON THEM.
OH, MARY.
DICK.
MARY, MARY, MARY, MARY.
OH, NOW THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
OH, I WANT YOU SO BAD.
YOU'VE GOT TO ESCAPE.
YOU WANT ME TO TRY AND GET AWAY?
YOU MUST.
LET ME GO! LET ME GO!
HOW'S THAT?
GET OUT!
WHAT?
IF YOU CLEAR THE HEDGE, YOU'LL BE FINE.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
NOTHING--EVERYTHING.
OH, MARY, YOU KNOW I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU.
OH, DICK.
OH, I'VE GOT TO GO NOW. YOU REMEMBER TOMMY.
UH, TELL HER ABOUT THE SWIM TEAM.
SWIM TEAM? WHAT ARE YOU--
WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT ISN'T THE FORMER HIGH COMMANDER.
IT SEEMS THAT I'VE UNDERESTIMATED YOUR STUPIDITY.
THAT WAS YOUR FIRST MISTAKE...
AND HERE'S YOUR SECOND.
LOOK OVER THERE!
WHERE?
AAH!
WHAT'S GOING ON? DICK IS ACTING SO STRANGELY.
SEE, LISTEN, DR. ALBRIGHT,
DICK, HE'S GOT A LOT OF BAGGAGE, SEE.
IT'S AN INTERNAL STRUGGLE.
Dick: AAH, STOP!
HA!
Dick: STOP PULLING MY HAIR!
Evil Dick: I'LL PULL IT IF I WANT!
OH, THAT POOR THING. I DIDN'T KNOW.
NO. YOU COULDN'T KNOW,
'CAUSE HE'S BEEN AFRAID.
SEE, HE'S BEEN LONELY...
FOR SUCH A LONG TIME,
AND AS THE YEARS WENT BY,
HE FELL INTO DESPAIR AND LOST ALL HOPE,
FOR WHAT WOMAN COULD EVER LEARN TO LOVE A BEAST?
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT? GIVE ME A SECOND, OK?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING HIM?
WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE?
WHEN I PULL HIM UP, BRAIN HIM WITH THE GNOME.
GOTCHA.
I GOT HIM, DICK.
NOW, HELP ME GET HIM INTO THE CHAIR.
HERE, TIE HIM UP GOOD.
TIE HIM DOWN TIGHT.
OK, WELL, WHICH ONE IS IT?
TIE HIM UP OR TIE HIM DOWN?
BOTH, HARRY.
HURRY. WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM OUT OF HERE BEFORE MARY SEES HIM.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO WITH HIM?
OOH, LET'S TAKE HIM DOWNSTAIRS TO THE RAMBLER
AND PUT HIM IN THE TRUNK,
LIKE THEY DO ON THAT SHOW HOMICIDE.
HOMICIDE? HOMICIDE?
LIFE ON THE STREET.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
GREAT IDEA. TOMMY, HARRY,
RUN DOWN TO THE RAMBLER AND CLEAN OUT THE TRUNK.
ALL RIGHT. YOU GOT IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, SIR.
DON'T BE LONG...
TOMMY.
DON'T TIRE YOURSELF OUT, COMMANDER.
I WANT YOU TO WITNESS THE DESTRUCTION MY LITTLE DEVICE WREAKS
ON THE WORLD YOU LOVE SO WELL.
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR TOASTER?
IT'S NOT A TOASTER. IT'S AN INCUBATOR.
WHEN I PRESS THIS BUTTON,
MILLIONS OF SPORES WILL BE RELEASED INTO THE ATMOSPHERE,
SPAWNING A WHOLE NEW RACE--
A RACE OF GROVELING DRONES.
THEY WILL THINK ALIKE AND TALK ALIKE.
AT TIMES, THEY'LL EVEN WALK ALIKE,
AND I WILL BE FATHER TO THEM ALL.
WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MARY?
OH, DON'T WORRY. I'M NOT USING THIS ON HER.
I'M GOING TO TAKE CARE OF HER PERSONALLY.
I'M GOING IN THERE AND PUTTING MY FEET IN HER PURSE.
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.
YOU'RE INSANE!
AND NOT GALLAGHER INSANE, JUST INSANE!
WE CLEANED OUT THE RAMBLER, DICK.
OH, YOU WERE ABLE TO USE THE GRAY DUCT TAPE.
RUN!
NO!
STAY.
STAY AND WITNESS MY MOMENT OF GLORY,
AS I IMPREGNATE THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF OHIO WITH MY DEMON PROGENY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. EVEN THE MEN?
OK, NOT THE MEN.
NOT LITTLE GIRLS?
NO, NOT THEM.
WAIT. WHAT ABOUT ELDERLY WOMEN?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WHAT ABOUT WOMEN WHO ARE ALREADY PREGNANT?
OH, SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!
OK, SO APPARENTLY I WON'T BE IMPREGNATING THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF OHIO,
BUT ALL FERTILE WOMEN OF CHILD-BEARING AGE WHO ARE NOT CURRENTLY PREGNANT--
AND THAT'S A LOT. WE'RE TALKING LOTS OF WOMEN HERE--
WILL SOON FIND THEMSELVES NOW PREGNANT BY ME.
IT'S AS EASY AS 1...
2...
3.
YES!
YES, THAT WILL SHOW HIM.
NOT THAT I CARE, BUT, UH, SHOW WHO?
YOUR FATHER-- THAT UNFEELING PURPLE TUBE WHO GAVE YOU LIFE
BUT COULDN'T GIVE YOU LOVE.
YOU KNOW NOTHING OF MY FATHER,
SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT UP?
'CAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND HIM.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST.
YOU HAVE TO LIVE IN THE NOW.
THIS IS THE NINETIES, GIRLFRIEND.
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS APPROVAL.
IS IT ANY WONDER I WET MY BED?
I'M WITH YOU.
YOUR FATHER'S GOT YOU ALL CAUGHT UP IN HIS EMOTIONAL RED TAPE,
AND YOU NEED TO CUT YOURSELF FREE.
WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I TOLD YOU
THAT YOUR FATHER WAS HERE TONIGHT?
COME ON OUT!
I'M JUST KIDDING. HE'S NOT REALLY HERE.
I THINK YOU NEED TO GO HOME AND FACE HIM.
LET THE CYCLE OF PAIN END HERE.
YOU'RE SO RIGHT!
[SOBBING]
THAT'S IT.
LET IT OUT.
LET IT ALL OUT.
HEY, GUYS.
DENNIS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
LONG STORY.
I GOT A WEIRD VIBE FROM YOU GUYS YESTERDAY.
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
WE REALLY COULD HAVE USED YOU ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I GOT MOBBED BY ALL THESE PEOPLE.
I GOT TO FIND A BETTER DISGUISE.
WHY DON'T YOU TRY WOMEN'S CLOTHING?
TRIED IT. DOESN'T WORK.
DENNIS, COULD YOU DO US A FAVOR?
COULD YOU ESCORT THAT GUY BACK TO THE HOME WORLD?
WHY NOT? I'M GOING THAT WAY ANYWAY.
I'VE GOT A PRESENT FOR THE BIG GIANT HEAD.
WHAT IS IT?
A BIG GIANT NOSE RING.
THANK YOU ALL.
I FEEL THAT I'VE MADE A BIG BREAKTHROUGH HERE.
WELL, REMEMBER,
NOBODY'S GOING TO RESPECT YOU UNTIL YOU LEARN TO RESPECT YOURSELF...
BED WETTER.
AND, DENNIS, COULD YOU DISPOSE OF THIS WHILE YOU'RE AT IT?
YOU DID IT!
YOU DID IT.
OH, NO. NOT JUST ME, LIEUTENANT.
I HAD A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS.
COME ON, MAN. OH, STOP.
RICKI LAKE, JERRY SPRINGER, AND SALLY JESSY.
THANKS.
NOW LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
I KNOW THAT IN THE PAST I WORRIED
THAT WE WATCHED TOO MUCH TELEVISION.
WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS, GOD BLESS TELEVISION
AND THE MANY WAYS IN WHICH TELEVISION ENRICHES OUR LIVES.
FROM NOW ON, I ORDER YOU,
WATCH MORE TELEVISION THAN EVER BEFORE.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?
TOMMY, CALL THE HUT AND GET A PIZZA.
YES, SIR.
HARRY. WARM UP THAT TELEVISION.
AND, SALLY...
GO GET YOURSELF A DECENT PAIR OF PANTS.
OH, THANK YOU, SIR.
DR. ALBRIGHT, THE LAST TIME WE WERE OUT HERE,
YOU SAID SOMETHING TO ME.
YOU SAID YOU CARED ABOUT ME.
IS THAT STILL TRUE?
OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.
BECAUSE OVER THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS, YOU'VE SEEN ME AT MY WORST.
WELL, THAT'S WHAT BEING TOGETHER IS ABOUT.
IF WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP,
I WANT TO HAVE IT WITH ALL OF YOU,
AND THAT INCLUDES THE DARK SIDE.
YOU KNOW, I CARE ABOUT YOU, TOO.
YOU'VE MADE THAT VERY CLEAR.
SO WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WELL, IT'S BEEN A LONG NIGHT,
BUT WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME,
AND WE'LL LOOK UP AT THE STARS.
THE STARS.
YES.
THEY LOOK LIKE LOVERS LOCKED IN A CELESTIAL EMBRACE.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST LOOK AT THOSE TREES?
THE TREES-- THEY LOOK LIKE LOVERS,
THEIR LIMBS EXPLORING AND FONDLING EACH OTHER.
HOW ABOUT WE LOOK AT THAT COUPLE IN THE WINDOW?
WOW. THEY'RE GOING AT IT LIKE TREES.
HARRY
IS THERE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU?
YOU'VE LOST WEIGHT?
NOPE.
IS THAT A NEW SHIRT?
NOPE
OH WAIT!
YOU SHAVED OFF YOUR BEARD?
NOPE I NEVER HAD ONE
IT'S SOMETHING--
OH! YOU GOT A HAIRCUT.
YOU'RE GETTING WARMER